There is a reason why humans teach us not to beg for food. Besides the fact that it is really, really annoying to them (and my friends, we are choosers and not beggars), people food is just not pet food. Yes, we pets would do very well indeed on a diet of fresh vegetables, oils, and protein. But not on a people plate, and not drenched in sauces and followed by dessert. If it’s up to me, I poo-poo that party platter before it can make a pooper outta me. Know what I’m, yapping?

Digestion issues aside, allowing pets to eat human food can result in far worse problems. Allergic reactions, organ damage and even death can all be avoided by keeping us away from the pantry. In keeping with my vow to help my fellow beasts stay safe, behold a list of DON’T EAT THESE (capitals intended):

Chocolate: especially cocoa powder and baking chocolate. Lock the pantry! Theobromine is the compound that gets us, which is a cardiac stimulant and diuretic. Just because we look fine after eating it, don’t assume we’re ok. Sickness and death can happen up to a day after eating! Symptoms include staggering, labored breathing, vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain, tremors, fever, heart rate increase, arrhythmia, seizures, coma, death.

Raw Eggs: Look, we’re not body builders, ok? Avidin is an enzyme in raw egg whites that can lead to skin/hair/coat problems. Salmonella also might be present.

Gum: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve all heard that awkward family tale about one of our brothers or sisters running around with a bubble blowing out of their behinds. I’m bursting that bubble right now, by telling you that additives in commercial gum can decrease blood sugar, potentially causing death. Don’t blow it! *Humans shouldn’t be eating it, either.

Onions and Garlic: Your human will be crying long after they’ve cut and cooked these bad bulbs. If we get our chomps on one of these, not only will we burn out our mouths, but we can be poisoned up to a few days after eating. Pets poisoned by onions will develop haemolytic anemia, where our red blood cells burst while circulating in our body. Symptoms include labored breathing, liver damage, vomiting, diarrhea, and discoloured urine.

Cow Milk: Come on. It’s baby food, and it’s not even OUR baby food. No way are our bodies going to be able to digest it. Enuff said?

Grapes and Raisins: Eating these nibbles can cause kidney failure and death. Times that by 100, if they’re chocolate coated. Symptoms include vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain, and lethargy, kidney failure and even death.

Mushrooms: As they are for humans, mushrooms can be beyond psychedelic: they can be fatal. Don’t eat them, period. Symptoms include conversations with DOG, abdominal pain, drooling, liver damage, kidney damage, vomiting, diarrhea, convulsions, coma, and death.

Raw Fish: No, Japanese pets don’t eat sushi! A compound called thiaminases can break down our Vitamin B1. Loss of appetite, seizures, and in severe cases, death are known problems associated with raw fish consumption in cats. Can it (instead)!

Avacadoes: All animals need to avoid this fruit (yes, it is. It grows on trees. Look it up, dawg). Persin is a poison found mostly in the pit, but spreads throughout even to the skin. We reject it from both ends, you dig?

Macadamia Nuts: I don’t care how many Menahune Men you’ve stalked and chewed apart -don’t make these part of your Hawaiian vacation. Their high phosphorus content is said to possibly lead to bladder stones. Dogs develop a tremor of the skeletal muscles, and weakness or paralysis of the hindquarters. Affected dogs are often unable to rise and are distressed, usually panting. Some affected dogs have swollen limbs and show pain when the limbs are manipulated.

Other Animal Food: Cat food is for cats, dog food for dogs. Human food for humans. Each is designed for the mouth it feeds. The point of this article. Heed!

Bones: So yes, I have a bone to pick. Next week I will be advising what sorts of bones are great for us to eat, but for the most part they are no-nos. Why? Brittle and sharp, these bones can break apart after eating them and puncture us on the inside. For us, it’s like eating glass. No!

So the next time a well meaning human tries to tempt you with a turkey-looking-tidbit – and I’m not saying bite the hand that feeds here, but – definitely give it your coldest shoulder. Stick with your own tasty goodness, and keep yourself safe!

I’m off for kibble, Buster