My pack and I have a friend, Friska*, aka Tiny Trouble. As her name suggests, she is one crazy kitty. There’s not one place she won’t pounce to keep herself amused. Annoying, yes – cute, super. And so, we her loyal friends put up with her monkey business (I’ve got the swat marks to prove it). She’s a kitten with 10 lives, and unless her human gives her a momentary time out there’s nothing stopping her. But in other parts of our great country, Miss Mischief would be clawing metal and chowing Meow Mix for 20 – her shenanigans would have her put away! Or at least her human fined big bucks. In other words, she’d be treatless for life.

In keeping with my vow to advise and protect my fellow beasts, I have collected the most outrageous pet laws in our very own land for your pet-i-fication. Take note:

In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk (even though some humans drink like one).

In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”. I had to include this one, yip-yip-hooray!

In Kingsville, Texas, it’s illegal for two pigs to have sex in the city’s airport. Obviously.

In Norfolk, Virginia, it’s illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm. We all need to sleep.

In New Jersey, ducks aren’t allowed to quack after 10 pm. Quackers in bed = crumby, we all know that. No fun!

In Quitman, Georgia, it’s against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits… but presumably it’s ok outside the city limits. But only to get to the other side.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers can’t walk a goose down a city street. And poultry, particularly roosters, are not allowed to go into bakeries in Massachusetts. No one wants to see all their eggs in one basket – I approve.

In Kansas, it’s illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours. They would get caught, hell-ooooo!

In Pennsylvania, it’s illegal to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday. Dog’s day, people. No work please.

In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman. Otherwise it’s a performance, and pigs are only licensed for one thing: bacon. Well, maybe also ham.

French Lick Springs, Indiana, passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th. Blame the French.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple gets divorced. I have nothing on this one.

In Texas, it’s illegal to put graffiti on someone else’s cow. But you can decorate your own until they all come home – of course.

Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

In Washington, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must wear a cowbell. They trade places often with their Californian cousins, and no one is the wiser.

In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town’s pubs and bars, if they pay an admission fee. See: you can lead a horse to the watering hole, but you can’t make him drink. Or something like that.

You can’t blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic. Which leads them to drink.

So, I understand that sometimes we just can’t repress our animal instincts, but if you find yourselves wanting to do THESE things in THESE places, keep it on the downlow. Dig?

Love your pal, Buster

*The name in this story has been changed to protect her true pet identity.